Experiences as a Lady in Wargaming

This post is something I've wanted to write for a while, but I was having trouble pulling my thoughts together. Part of the reason I started this blog in the first place, called it "Chickhammer," and chose my tagline is because I want to talk about what it's like being female in our male-dominated hobby. I need to start by talking to people already in the hobby about some small things they can do to make the environment friendlier for women.

I should explain just what I mean by a friendlier environment. Obviously, we're not a pack of wild dogs. But, you probably have noticed that the wargaming culture, and the "geek" culture in general, skews largely male. The interesting exception to this is the video games, where women are about 40% of the players. It's hardly remarkable now when a woman says she plays video games, whereas fifteen years ago it was "a big deal."

The wargaming community, though, still suffers from a large gender disparity. This has been very evident in my own experience. In every tournament I've attended, I have been either the only woman there, or one of two. In fact, I have only played against another woman once, but it was a teaching game, she's a real-life friend who's new to the hobby (props to her for joining the ranks, might I add). Our online community is no different; there are few women I come across when reading posts and commentary.

So why aren't more ladies joining in on wargaming? Like all sub-cultures, our community, suffers from the same ills as the society at large. In the US specifically, our society does not always respect or value its women and no sub-group is immune to this bias. This devaluation of women is something that happens no matter the group (in fact, I already wrote a piece about wrestling doing this). Those influences are why we find the same cultural biases lodged in the corners of our own community.

That doesn't mean, however, that we have to put up with it nor does it mean there's nothing we can do about it. The beautiful part about it is that we all control our own actions, and can change our behavior. I will not speak to the general vitriol of the community, as it was done so well on Faeit 212 that there’s no reason for me to comment further.

Rather, I’d like to point out some things that have happened to me in this community, and why some of these things impede women from wanting to join. Some of these experiences have been good, and some bad, but the over-all experience has been a welcoming and positive one. 

• In the first GT I went to, one of my games was played in nearly complete silence, because my opponent didn't say more than three words to me at a time. Perhaps he was just shy, but it made for a very long game.
• I’ve heard "Wow, you're a girl that plays Warhammer?" more times than I can count. When asked this, I often feel I'd get less incredulity if I were a leprechaun or had two heads.
• During a tournament game, my opponent offered me a beer from his under-the-table cooler. He's hands-down the nicest person I've ever played, although I do believe I still owe him a beer.
• I've played a few dirty cheating cheaters (who hasn't?). The first person I ever played that I didn't know personally was one of these people. I was so green, I didn't know better, and didn’t know his army at all. It wasn't until talking afterwards that my experienced friends realized I'd been taken advantage of.
• A friend of one opponent asked me out for drinks, during our game. My opponent's reply was "Man, not cool. We're in the middle of a game." Good on you, sir.

These are just a few examples, but as I said, over-all, I've felt very welcomed. Unfortunately, this is almost entirely due to the awesome people I game with regularly and has no bearing on what I can expect outside of them. Sexism in the community, not just in person but also online, is at unacceptable levels. If I did not personally know some very nice people who were in the hobby, the shameful way the online aspect of the community conducts itself would have turned me completely away.  

If you don’t have these friends (or know where to make the acquaintance of some), you’re going to have a harder time of it. I was lucky to be introduced into a club full of people who have been very supportive of me. These people taught me how to play and to be a "good" player.  By that, I mean a respectful opponent who isn't constantly bemoaning how bad their dice rolls are (although, some days, your dice are out to get you).

That being said, there are some specific things I’d like to address based on my experiences. My hope is that by talking about these things, it'll make the community a little more aware. The first thing is that you can talk to me. I am perfectly capable of speech, and it makes the game far more enjoyable when you get to know your opponent a little and can talk about the game, their army, the tournament, each other's lives- whatever.

In actually holding a conversation with me, you might find out I'm twenty-four years old, hold a full time job, and have an awesome dog. These things indicate that I am adult, and therefore not a girl. Calling me a girl is both demeaning and patronizing, regardless of your intention when saying it. It diminishes my validity as someone to be taken seriously amongst our peers. I don't call you a boy, because you aren't one. We’re both adults here, so please don't call me a girl. It sets me up as being less than your equal.

We’re your equal because women who wargame are just people and not a special species you need be quiet and cautious around like unicorns. We may have opinions that differ from yours, but also from each other. Women are not a Tyranid hive-mind, so talk to us and get to know us. However, women tend to agree that we don't want to be dismissed just based on our gender.

Of course, gender isn't something that just disappears. It's an integral part of how we interact with each other- particularly when it comes to sexual attraction. It's going to come up. If you hit on someone, don't assume they will be interested, and don't offended if they're not. Not everyone will be interested, particularly if you're at a tournament. That's not to say you can't flirt with the ladies you come across, that would be absurd. You might meet the love of your life at a tournament- wouldn't that be lovely?

But if you do want to flirt with someone you meet, just be respectful and mindful. For example, don't flirt with someone when they're in the middle of a game. That's plain rude. Women who wargame are no different than any other women you'd flirt with. And please, for the love of all things good and green on this earth, don't flirt with someone wearing wedding rings. I don't like when I'm in that situation, and it's incredibly inconsiderate.

That brings me to a very serious point about consideration. One of the most prevalently offensive things I encounter is joking about rape. Unfortunately, wargaming situations are where I come across this rhetoric most often. In one instance, I was setting up a game and the person setting up next to me said to his opponent: "I'm gonna rape you all over this table." I asked him not to make light of such a serious crime and his response was “Don’t be so uptight." Not exactly friendly.

These jokes contribute to the normalization of rape in our culture by making a mockery of it. Women are not humorless or “uptight” for not being amused by rape jokes and saying so. It's not that we don't have sense of humor. Rape is not funny and “but it was a joke" is not an excuse to be offensive. Yes, you intended it to be funny, but just as with calling women girls, your intention is meaningless.  

It’s important to give you some context about the reality of rape. It's estimated that 60-70% of rapes go unreported. Think of 5 women close to you (your wife, mother, sisters, aunts, daughters, friends, etc.). Statistically, one of those women you know has been raped, because it happens to 1 in 5 women. Chances are also rather high that when you made that joke, or laughed when someone else did, a rape survivor overheard it.

Underreporting is so high because of the amount of shaming associated with telling anyone. You know what doesn't help? Rape jokes! They perpetuate the idea that sexual assault isn't serious. We already live in a rape culture, which normalizes and accepts sexual violence as ordinary. I've touched on this in another post, but our society teaches "don't get raped" instead of "don't rape." In a society that blames the victim and not the abuser, is it any wonder that few women want to report it?

If you're offended that I didn't laugh, as the person I mentioned was, what you're essentially saying is that it's fine someone raped me but not ok for me to be upset about it. That's blaming the victim, too. Our society constantly blames victims for their actions and behavior both before the rape (dressing "slutty" or “asking for it”) and after (having any reaction to it whatsoever). And since our culture says it’s all right to rape, it continues to be a problem.

It’s hard enough for survivors without people making jokes that say what they went through is funny and unimportant. Rape is an incredibly frightening, humiliating experience and those emotions never go away completely. Please don’t play into this rape humor and stand up to those who do. Just a simple “that’s not appropriate” will do.

You might be tempted to say "I know a woman who's cool with it, so it must be ok." This argument can be used similarly with any group that's marginalized based on ethnicity, race, or religion and all to the same poor effect. The problem here is that every group has some members who do not speak out against their own marginalization, for whatever reason.

This happens because no one is compelled to stand up against these types of problems, and those that do can't or won’t do it every time. It's their choice. Sometimes they have other things to do, maybe they aren't the outspoken type or maybe they're convinced nothing will ever change. There are even people who stick with the status quo because they get something from of it (such as women who participate in cosplay just for attention).

That doesn't mean they don't have an opinion. It also doesn't give you a pass on bad behavior because you know someone in the group who is ok with it. Their opinion does not give you an excuse to invalidate someone else's feelings. It’s important to be more conscious of yourself and how your actions might affect people around you.

Like my opponent who called out his friend for inappropriately asking me out during a game, you need to make people aware that their behavior is offensive or inappropriate when it happens. Certain situations may be more suited to taking that person aside later, but the immediacy is important for changing behavior. Be sure to be direct but also polite. Rudeness will only escalate the situation unnecessarily.

Let's not reinforce these types of behaviors. The point is for you to be mindful and considerate. If you wouldn't do it to one of your fellow male gamers, then it probably isn't appropriate to do it to female ones (except for respectfully flirting, of course).  Our community is not always a hostile environment, but it can be. This is will continue being the case if people let others get away with it.

But these problems can also be easily corrected to make the community more inclusive for all if we take responsibility for our actions and don’t encourage the bad behavior of others. Remember that we're all here to participate in a hobby we all enjoy. After all, that's what hobbies are about and should be an enjoyable experience for everyone.